NBA Team Owners to Vote on Suggested New Name Change

By MARK NORDLAND

11:38 AM PT

It is highly unlikely that team owners of the National Basketball Association will approve their players' union request to be re-named as the NPA – National Plantation-owners Association.

In other news, the NBA accepted Wyoming Whities as new team’s name.

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Scientists in RedNeckistan Develop new Construction Material

By VANNESSA CHELTENHAM

To help re-build its infrastructure last repaired in the seventeenth century, national building engineers have developed a new form of gluten-free construction cement that their laboratory has named Rubble Helper.

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Researchers in Pacoima Medical Testing Lab

DNA News: discovery of the Nerd Gene,
containing new element Nerdzium47

Working under a Government science grant, researchers of Pacoima U. Online Medical School's research department have discovered the possibility of a genetic cure to those afflicted with the newly-found gene who display uncontrolled introverted, nerdish behavior. READ MORE

Does your DNA contain the Nerdzium gene?

Proceed to the Nerdz47 Website to find out for sure

Court to Decide on a Singer's Liability

By KEN WIXOM

2:50 PM PT

Justin Bieber's monkey Mally - the one he abandoned in Germany - has impregnated two female monkeys at the Northern Germany Serengeti Park in Hodenhagen. Justice officials there are now preparing to file a paternity lawsuit against the alleged singer for child support.

Lady Loses Weight and Sues

By GEORGINA PILGRIM

Attorney Peter Sharp has successfully defended a client against against a lawsuit brought by a woman who claimed that using the defendant's diet drink turned her into nymphomaniac. A video of her deposition will soon be available in Hustler Magazine.